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I haven't posted on Lj for a long time, partly because I believe nobody gives a danm about the rants and reviews of an 18 year student. As well as this nobody really reads my posts anymore and if they do it’s on a whim.

But I have something to discuss. Something that has really changed me.

I am 19 years old now, and finished my first year at uni successfully.

And now, the bad stuff. (I have no idea how to hide things so this may be a long post, sorry in advance!)

1) The Uni results

I got about a 2.2 average or maybe a 2.1 if I am lucky. This is fantastic, however, to me; they are not what I expected.

Most of my life I wanted to be good at something, I thought that Uni would be it, but when everyone including and old best friend can get higher than you in a few subjects (granted he failed a few subjects as well but still) and he did NO WORK until the last day in some cases, it just upsets me. I worked hard, not as hard as I could of but I felt I did. I was proud.

2) Home time!

Sounded good, at first, but then doesn't it always? For the first part it was the best time. My love, Helen was with me. I was very happy; we relaxed and were a couple. Until my Parents stepped in. The first signs where subtle hits from my Dad that we were "lazy" (mostly me). I thought nothing of it of the time, but, when he layed into me about a phone call FROM my mother in front of his girlfriend and mine, making me break down as a result, I started to realise the truth. It took my best friend Goldie to make me see the light; my father is ashamed of me. He denys it of course, but lets be far he would never admit it because that would let my mother win. I could cope for a while, but when Helen left, I kept my head down and stayed quiet and did nothing...

3) Aftershocks

A few weeks past by, due to lack of money, I have done nothing....much....but mostly nothing. Then dad says that we need to go to the dentist. Naturally we get there and what do you know, we have been changed to another day. Doh! So Dad takes me to the park and we take a walk round and have a chat. A nice simple chat. Yeah, right.

I buy myself and ice-cream and we stand by the lake and this happens:

(This is the gist of the conversation)

"Son, some people have been saying that you are jobless, friendless, a nerd and fat"

"Really..." *throws just bought Ice Cream in the bin*

"Yep they have, oh but it wasn't me"

"Then who said it?"

"Erm some people" <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<PEOPLE? WTF!

"Dad what are you trying to say?"

 "JUST TO CLARIFY THAT IT WASN'T ME, I TOLD THEM THAT THIS IS YOUR LAST FREE YEAR AND THAT YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT~~~~~~~~~~~~~etc etc"

At this point I gave up trying to listen to him. It all hits home in one massive blow, could he be right? Well in this rebound I ran straight to the nearest gym and signed up. Yep, right then. No joke, it was the next place I went too.

4) The Workout

All of a sudden I was (and still am) a weird health freak. I now go to the gym every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Again it looks good, but, as is life, just because it LOOKS good it may not be.

Now whenever I am not at the gym Dad and his GF look at me as if I am a waste of space, and god forbid I miss a session.

I have never been too worried about my looks per say, but now, I am terrible. I constantly look at myself and think "Jesus you look horrible" and "what does you GF see in you?" and "Your Dad was right".

And to top it all off, I now am plagued with thoughts of Helen leaving me for someone better, because of my looks and who I am.

And I hate myself even more when she sees me upset.

How has it come to this? Yes it may seem silly and small to some people but I think that I shouldn't have to feel like this, it’s an endless circle of hate and wanting to be better even if you might not need to be.

I need a hug, and I can't get one here...